March 18, 2015 Article

The Old Coot explains doctor talk.

By Merlin Lessler

“This is going to kill! It will hurt so bad, you’ll wish I knocked you out first!” That’s something you never hear a doctor say. Instead, you hear, “You’ll feel a little pinch, then a slight burning sensation.” And, no matter how many times you’ve experienced this rouse, you still believe it. “This time,” (you say to yourself), “It will be true.” How can it not? Right there on the wall, framed in polished oak, is the physician’s college diploma. And then, there’s that language switch from English to Latin to explain your condition. Who can question the credibility of someone speaking Latin, a stethoscope hanging from their neck, a diploma on the wall and all decked out in a white lab coat? It kills, this little pinch and the slight burning sensation that follows, but we play our part in this one-act play, by saying, “That wasn’t so bad. ” It’s only when we get to the parking lot that we admit the truth and scream at the top of our lungs as we writhe in pain on the black top.

We’re introduced to this technique when we’re naïve little kids. It starts with all those shots (the ones that will feel like a little pinch). My rude awakening came when I was four-years old; I had my tonsils out. The big lie that day was, “They are going to wheel you into the operating room, place a flower on your nose; you’ll take a little sniff and fall asleep.” I believed it! Until the nurse strapped a mask to my face and that horrible odor of ether engulfed me, removing all the possibility of a fragrant flower lulling me to sleep. I was also promised all the ice cream I could eat after it was over. It was five full days before I could swallow a small sip of water without shrieking in pain.  

But, the little white “medical” lies have their place. Unfortunately, they go away when old coots are the patients. They don’t pull their punches with us. - “I don’t know what that lump is on the side of your nose; I’ve never seen anything like it.” – “You say it hurts when you bend over; don’t bend over. – “Do you have a living will; you should. And soon.” -  “And, while you’re at it, you might want to sign a do-not-resuscitate order.” -  Or, my favorite; the one I’ve heard at least 25 times over the last fifteen years, “You have to expect that at your age. “ But Doc, I wasn’t “expecting” any of this stuff,” I whine, as he helps me to the door with a fistful of new prescriptions. Then I read the warning label and realize the magic pills are the biggest lie of all!