The Old Coot is a matchmaker.
By Merlin Lessler
A lot of single people sign up with E-Harmony-Dot-Com,
Matchmakers or some other such organization in search of the perfect mate. They
fill out complicated questionnaires, then a computer program produces a list of
likely matches: people with similar backgrounds, worldviews and other
characteristics that supposedly determine long-term compatibility, but they
miss a critical screening tool, the old coot coffee shop test.
It works like this. You get a candidate’s name from the
match making company, then arrange to meet at a coffee shop (Starbucks and
Dunkin Donuts are the best for this process, but other places that have lines
and require choices will work too). Tell the prospect to wear a red scarf and
you’ll do the same. Get there early, hide the scarf and sit in a discrete
location where you can watch the line. If the candidate is a type “X”, they
will walk to the counter and say something like, “I’ll have a medium coffee,
cream, no sugar,” and hand the clerk cash or a credit card and complete the
transaction. (If it’s a Starbucks they can’t say medium with cream; they have
to say “Grande, with room, and put the cream in themselves at the little table
off to the side.)
A type “Y,” on the other hand, will only step up to the
counter after the person behind them in line taps them on the shoulder and
says, “It’s your turn.” The clerk says, “How may I help you?” Y stares back
with a look that makes you think they were asked to name the capital of North
Dakota and its population. After an awkward pause, Y responds with, “What’s
good?” Now understand, Y has been in line for many, many minutes, gazing at the
menu, the racks of donuts and the display case of specialty treats. The server
responds with, “Everything! What do you like?” And, starts making suggestions.
The banter goes back and forth. Suggestions are discarded, one by one.
Eventually, Y changes from a “don’t-know-what-I-want” customer to a fussy
customer. “I’ll have a medium coffee, one-half regular and one-half decaf, two
and one-half sugars, a shot of espresso, a squirt of whip cream, half &
half on the side and make sure you add some ice. Your coffee is always too
hot.”
And yet, it’s not over; it’s time to pay, which comes as a
shock to Y. He/she (this isn’t a sexist thing; both men and women can be a Y.)
starts to fumble, patting pockets or digging deep in a purse, finally locating
cash or a credit card to present to the clerk. Payment is made and then Y says,
“Oh! I need a bagel; what kind do you have?”
The whole process starts all over again. The people in line behind Y
look at each other and roll their eyes.
Now, it’s time for you to decide whether to put on the red
scarf, or not. No matter how it comes out, at least you’ve had an interesting
people-watching experience. Us old coots do it all the time. We’re not looking
for a mate; we just love watching the show.
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