February 4, 2015 Article

Old Coot wants horns on shopping carts!

By Merlin Lessler

I wrote about this before, nine years ago to be exact, but was reminded of it the other day when I got trapped behind two “wide walkers” in the grocery store. They moseyed along in front of me. The people themselves weren't wide, but their walking style was. When they stepped with their right foot, it went way to the right and then when it was time for the left foot, it went way to the left. It was like walking behind a pair of waddling ducks. And, that's another thing, what is it with people who insist on walking side by side? They clog up the aisles. I wish carts had horns on them. I could get by the gridlock and on to the half price table in the old coot section. As it is, I have to trudge along at a pace set by wide walkers.

If it isn't a wide walker, then it's a "weaver" that hinders my progress. You know the type; they poke along in a coma like state. When you try to pass on the left, they weave in front of you. If you go to the right, they beat you to the open lane. It's just another reason to equip the carts with horns. I'm thinking of carrying a bag of M&M's with me. It should work just fine in our "obese" society. I could scatter a handful to the side of the aisle. When the weaver stops to gather them up, I could pass by with ease.

Something has to happen. It's getting pretty bad, at least in the stores where I shop. Maybe we should require shopping cart licenses. Shoppers would have to pass a written exam and a road test. It might make people keep to the right as they go down the aisle, instead of driving on the wrong side of the "road," as though they lived in England. If the stores were required to have the carts "inspected" by an authorized mechanic every year it would solve another of my shopping problems, a cart with a messed up wheel, the kind that won't go in a straight line. They constantly go at an erratic angle so you have to jerk them back into the driving lane every few steps. I hate it; it makes people think I'm a "weaver" - they yell and throw things at me as I wind my way through the store. If there were horns on the carts they could just toot and I'd let them by.

Cell phone use while pushing a cart causes yet another problem in grocery stores. You follow a “pusher-yacker” down the aisle and all of a sudden she comes to a dead stop, yells into her phone, "You're kidding! They didn't really do that did they?” I end up ramming the front rail on my cart into the back of her ankles. I apologize profusely, explaining that old coots have slow reflexes and can’t come to a sudden stop. If the carts had horns, I could signal to the other old coots in the store that I’d just scored one for the home team. Then, all our horns could be blown in a victory celebration, like the high school kids when they drive through town after winning the big game. Boy, I wish shopping carts had horns!