January 7, 2015 Article

Old Coot says it’s time to change!

By Merlin Lessler

It's a new year; it's time to take inventory, to throw out the stuff that doesn’t work. Get an old coot to help with the process; we love to tell you what you’re doing wrong. Start the assessment with how you view your birthday. Is your perspective out of whack? Are you making too big a deal of it? When you were a kid, your birthday was a monumental event; it meant you were old enough to take the next step - start school, get a two-wheeler, drive a car, buy a six-pack (with your very own ID) and vote. Your parents were excited as you reached each new plateau, but it doesn’t matter anymore; nobody cares that it’s your birthday. The fact that all the cards you get are “belated” should give you a clue; it’s time to let it go.

Here’s another harsh reality; you’re not going to become the leader of the free world! I know your mother said you could grow up to be president, but it ain’t gonna happen. Unless you get your mail at the governor’s mansion in Albany, or the Senate Building in Washington you are out of the running. It’s time to face the truth. And, speaking of faces, yours isn’t getting any better looking - even if you find a “good” mirror and cock your head at the precise angle to minimize the bump in your nose and the enormity of your ears. Hollywood won’t be beating a path to your door.

There are a lot of clues that tell you it’s time to change, if you pay attention - Do you greet people with, “How’s it going?” Have you noticed that this question gets you more than you bargained for? They go on and on about an ingrown toenail or a burned pot roast. While you are bored and not listening, ask yourself, “Do I go on like this too?” If the answer is yes, it’s time to change. When you’re asked how’s it going, simply say, “Great!” - “Thanks for asking.” You won’t bore them and you won’t give them an invitation to bore you.

Another conversation offense you need to be sensitive to is the, “You think that’s bad syndrome.” No matter what anyone says to you, you try to top them. They had a tooth filled and it hurt so bad they cried - you had an impacted wisdom tooth pulled and the dentist broke your jaw. Their car gets 30 miles to the gallon - yours can go 100 miles on fumes. If this is the pattern of your conversations, it’s time to SHUT-UP! Don’t take it personally, it’s not just you, a lot of people mistakenly think that everyone is dying to hear how good or how bad you have it. They’re not.

The saddest example of this syndrome is the young mother-to-be, who finds herself surrounded by a group of veterans who’ve given birth to a legion of children. She mentions the discomfort of her pregnancy; they chuckle and then attack as a pack with an endless stream of delivery nightmares. The poor girl flees in tears, wondering how she ever got herself into such a mess. She goes home and kicks her husband.

There are a lot of things to throw out. You need to accept yourself for who you are. You won’t be getting any taller, or any thinner. Your hair won’t get thicker and more lustrous. Your physique or figure won’t improve. In fact, you’ll be lucky if it doesn’t slip several inches lower on your skeletal frame by the time you get your first Social Security check. So let it go! Face life as it is and enjoy the journey. It’s the trip of a lifetime! (And, a short one at that.)