November 26, 2014 Article

The Old Coot explains the face crumb syndrome.

By Merlin Lessler

"Go like this!" A perfect stranger will say to you, and then brush their index finger across their cheek. “You’ve got a crumb on your face." So, you brush your left cheek, mirroring their gesture, and a cornflake, a stale Cheerio or a chunk of blueberry muffin falls to the floor. "How long have I been walking around like that?" You ask yourself (somewhat ashamedly). Not long, is the answer, not if you were within sight of another human. Our species is obsessed with things out of place on each other’s face. An eyelash, a piece of confetti, a speck of sand. It doesn't matter. Our eye is drawn to it. We can't stop ourselves from saying, "Go like this," to eliminate the imperfection. Sometimes, taking matters into our own hands and brushing it off the "afflicted" face.

It's a face thing! Oh sure, we'll order a stranger to, "Zip it pal!" Or we'll giggle, as a macho stud struts across the room with a three-foot streamer of toilet paper attached to the heel of his shoe, but our real attention is focused on the face. I think this might come from our ancestors. If you’ve ever watched a pair of monkeys or a family of gorillas you get an idea of how far up the family tree this fetish goes. Apes spend most of their free time tidying up each other’s faces. Beneath our sophisticated trappings we're not a lot different than our evolutionary predecessors. 

Old coots experience “Go like this” statements more than regular people. If we didn’t, our faces would be covered with unwanted droppings, matching those on our clothes. We’d look like a Marine in full camouflage. But, it’s more than debris that we carry around; we have other “attractions” that result in unsolicited public commentary, such as: “Your pants are on backwards!” – “You’re wearing two different shoes.” – You missed all three belt loops on the back of your pants.” – “Your sweater is on inside out. Maybe backwards too.” So, the next time you feel a little embarrassed because someone points out a cornflake stuck to your cheek and says, “Go like this,” just think how you’ll feel when you get old enough to join the old coot association. That’s when you need all the courage you can muster to leave the house and venture into public. Your fellow old coots won’t help you. We never say,” Go like this to each other.” We want the old goat next to us to look worse than we do. It’s a jungle out there.