May 8, 2013 Article

The Old Coot is a criminal?

By Merlin Lessler

I got stopped by the cops the other day. I knew it was just a matter of time – I was long overdue. “What seems to be the problem officer?” I politely asked, as we all do when pulled over and are blatantly guilty (of something). It’s called the “innocent as a lamb” strategy. It never works!

“License and registration please,” You know the drill; they take your credentials and get back into the squad car to run you through the system: Outstanding warrants? Escaped convict? Stolen car? Runaway or missing person? I wasn’t worried about that stuff. I knew my slate was clean. Nor, was I worried about the out of date inspection sticker on the windshield. I could handle a ticket for that. It wouldn’t affect my life style. I was worried about getting charged with DWO (Driving While Old).

It’s not an official violation. Not yet! But as soon as the traffic safety people get the drunks off the road, the cell phone users, the texters and the road-rage drivers they are going to come after us old guys. We don’t cause a lot of accidents, not as many as the under 25 crowd, but we do something worse; we drive fifty-five in the passing lane with our blinker flashing endlessly. We take forever to get into our car and pull out of the way while you wait to grab the only empty space in the lot. We turn left on red (when no cars are coming). What’s the difference? Left? Right? If no cars are coming, we go!

I can see the handwriting on the wall. DWO is in my future. The police won’t subject me to a breathalyzer test; they’ll count the wrinkles – then make me stand on one foot to check my balance (try it for 60 seconds; if you can’t do it you are headed for trouble too). They’ll make me retake the driver’s test. The only part I’ll pass is the parallel parking requirement. The thing that knocks out all the young kids. It’s a useless skill; 99.9% of all parking is pull in, not parallel. Yet, it’s an integral component in the path to a license, and the only driving skill us old coots still retain.

It’s why we are drawn to Florida – the state with the most effective lobbyists for old guys. The state is loaded with laws that protect my elderly brothers and sisters. The politicians don’t even think about passing laws to restrict old coots – just the opposite. Oh sure, the place is loaded with old coots like me that pull out in front of you and then crawl along at speeds that barely register on the speedometer, turn without signaling and give you a dirty look if you complain – park their big boats so close to you in parking lots that you can’t open your door.

But, we don’t weave through traffic at 80 MPH – slam on the brakes at a stop sign half way into the intersection and sneer at the terrified pedestrians waiting to cross. Still, it’s just a matter of time until I’m dragged before a judge, charged with DWO! I’ll put my hat on backwards, slip on a pair of flip-flops, untuck my shirt and plead “not old.” I just hope the judge is older than me.