The Old Coot does a disappearing act.
By Merlin Lessler
I read an article in the Wall Street journal by Alison C.
Cheperdak titled, “In Defense of the Irish Goodbye,”- (leaving a party without saying goodbye may be
the most polite option) The title really caught my interest because I know the
consequences of saying goodbye: it will engage the “Goodbye Process,” a term I
coined and explained in a 2005 Old Coot article. In a few words, it extends
leaving for many, many, minutes, from a man’s viewpoint. When his wife says
it’s time to leave, he thinks they will be finding the hosts, saying thanks and
goodbye. But for his wife, it means going to everyone she had a conversation
with, rehashing it and saying good bye, plus thanking the hosts. At minimum,
the process takes 15 minutes. The husband is standing with her, figuratively tugging
at her sleeve saying, “Can we go now, can we go now?” Like a five-year-old would do in a store with
his mother. The male/female roles can sometimes be switched, but that’s not my
experience!
For years I have been accused of doing a disappearing act. I'd
be at an event with a lot of people and eventually someone would ask, “Where
did Lessler go?” - “Oh, he’s gone. He just leaves.” I learned
long ago whether it’s a cocktail party or just a bunch of people at a bar, if
you say you’re leaving, they always try to stop you. “Come on, have one more!”
Not me. I just disappear. (When I’m by myself. I can’t get my wife to join in.)
I never knew it had an official name – “Irish
Goodbye.” Now I do.
The journalist says it's almost rude not to do that
sometimes; if you're at a wedding for example. The bride and groom go table to
table having a little chat with everybody and finally get to sit down to enjoy
the reception. But, they are interrupted all the time by people coming over to
say goodbye and redo the same conversation they already had. Would Emily post
approve? Maybe? You just have to read the room. If your absence won't be
noticed, you're in the clear. If leaving without a goodbye could cause
confusion or concern, a discrete farewell whispered to the host strikes the
perfect balance between tradition and convenience. My behavior has finally been
validated. Thank you, Wall Street Journal.
