The old coot needs a better book cover. Published on 02/25/2026

 The Old Coot has a face for radio.

By Merlin Lessler

I was putting some books on a shelf in my office the other day and noticed that the actual book covers were drab - title and author and that’s it, a plain wrapper. But the slick removable cover the publisher put over it was colorful, eye catching and exciting.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover,” used to be a common saying, extrapolating that advice to, “We shouldn’t judge people by how they look.” Hardly anyone follows that adage; it’s in exile. People, and books, as publishers well know, are commonly judged by how they look. Take the news, weather and commentary people on TV. Producers certainly think, in fact know, that their looks are important. It’s human nature. And, it affects a lot more than TV hiring; most companies do the same, consciously or unconsciously. The saying, “he has a face for radio,” says it all.

One of the lessons that us old people learn, starting about when we get our first Social Security check, is that we’re judged, or ignored, by how old our “cover” looks. I’m well acquainted with the judgement, but I use it. - “Would you let me go ahead of you in line? I’m in my 80’s?” It gets me through TSA in the fast lane without taking off my shoes, jacket or belt and onto the plane ahead of the line, especially when I use a cane, which I really need in a slow moving line or on an excessively long and hurried race from one gate to another. And, I get senior discounts automatically. I don’t have to ask. My “cover” does it for me. It’s not all bad, this being an old coot thing.

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The Old Coot touts in line dating. Published 02/18/2026 in New York

 The Old Coot is an “in-line” dater.

By Merlin Lessler

We didn’t have online dating when I was growing up; we had “in-line” dating, as in waiting in line to get the courage to walk over to a girl and ask her to dance or by getting” in-line” to cut in on a girl already dancing. When impatience with our courage ran out, we tapped on her partner’s shoulder, and even if they were going steady with her, etiquette required him to step aside and let you take over. The prettier the girl, the longer the line of guys wanting to cut in and have a chance to charm her, and by some Cupid miracle, ignite a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. We were so naïve.

I think the “cut- in” custom still exists, it’s just not used as often as it once was.  Online dating has taken over the landscape, with participants using a mix of fact, fiction and exaggeration in their personal profiles. Blatant lies and doctored photos as well. None of the latter two items ever result in a second date.

If my crowd (old coots)  considered online dating, and used honesty in our self-descriptions, our profiles would read something like this: old coot seeking a date - likes going places and doing things as long as he gets home before dark – only says, “ I used to,” or “I should have” three times an hour – has many friends and acquaintances and only a few of which aren’t aware of that relationship -does good deeds, but talks about it more than acts – is a great chef, as long as the microwave is working – looks at prices on the menu and picks the cheapest offering -  believes Elvis is still alive – is a night owl, sometimes stays up as late as 10 PM – sleeps like a baby (up every three hours) - lives on the wild side, rides a two wheel bicycle without a helmet. Call this land line or mail a letter to this home address, if interested.

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Th e Old Coot loves the Cruise Ship Polka. (Published in Owego, NY 02-11-20260

 The Old Coot loves the Cruise Polka.

By Merlin Lessler

 I was on a cruise ship the other day in a food court called “The Marketplace.” I call it the “Feeding Trough.” I was at a six-top table with a husband and wife at one end and me at the other, minding my own business. Hah! That’s a lie: I was people watching and eavesdropping like crazy. The wife was alone for a few minutes while her hubby ran off to get another load of pastries. He left his phone on the table. It suddenly emitted a loud rattling noise that sounded like a bottle of pills being shaken. I looked over to his spouse and asked, “Is it time for your husband to take his medicine?” She replied in the affirmative, “Yes, but as usual, he’s not here to take them.”

 It was early, many of the tables were empty. The rush-hour was just beginning; it’s what I’d been waiting for, the mad scramble for an open seat at a table or a turn at one of the numerous food stations scattered throughout the large eating area. I was well situated to watch the mad scramble. It’s kind of like the scrub in a rugby match. Elbows were flailing; people rushed from one food stand to another. Food was spilled; angry looks were exchanged.

 It seemed as though these people hadn’t eaten in weeks. Their plates were piled high with scrambled eggs, bacon toast, pastries, cut up fruit, pancakes, waffles and a myriad of other items. The wait staff wandered through the sea of tables with pots of coffee and glasses of juice. It helped to energize the troops; they repeatedly returned to battle and make queries such as, “Where did you get that giant sweet roll? I must have one!”  

 It’s most entertaining when the sea is rough and the ship is rocking. That adds spilled plates and sloshed beverages to the mix, I wasn’t disappointed. The imaginary maestro tapped his wand; the plate clatter orchestra fired up and the cruise ship “feeding polka” began. I sat tight. I didn’t want to join in on the performance, not with my balance issues that are magnified on a swaying ship. I stayed put with my meager plate of food and watched the show. I got my money’s worth. How could I not? I was in  Old Coot Heaven.

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The Old Coot swaps a pencil for a pen. (Published 01/04/2026)

 The Old Coot is an upside down writer.

By Merlin Lessler

 I’ve switched from a pen to a pencil. I decided it when I was reading a Nero Wolfe detective book by Rex Stout titled, “And Be a Villain.” I own all seventy- two of Stout’s, Nero Wolfe tales. I find his “who-done-it” stories relaxing and I’m almost always surprised when Wolfe reveals who the guilty person is, usually in his office, surrounded by all the characters in the story and two policemen. This was the third time over the last 50 years that I’d read this book. Since I own it, I violate it: I dog-ear the page corners instead of using a book mark, write notes here and there, and in this reading, where there were 13 suspects, I wrote each of their names and a brief bio on the inside back cover. Whenever a new character showed up, I flipped to the back and added them to the list. I must have had a better memory the last two times I read the book since nothing was written on the page.

I read it in a recliner; I had the book over my head and when I made an entry with my pen it stopped working after I jotted down a few letters. I had to sit up and lean down to get it to work again. Up and down, up and down I went, like a duck bobbing on a pond. That’s when I decided to switch to a pencil.

I found one in our junk drawer, a “Dixon-Ticonderoga, #2 - HB, pencil. It writes upside down. I once had an “Astronaut” pen that could do that, but it was pricey and I didn’t feel like shelling out $30 for a replacement. But, a simple pencil can match the upside down ability, plus you can transport it behind your ear, chew on it while you think, erase your mistakes and best of all, for an old coot like me, it’s cheap! I bought an 18 pack for less than five dollars. I’ll never ever use them all up; I’ve spread them around in the house, in the car, in the garage and in a pouch on my bicycle.

The Dixon-Ticonderoga pencil was patented in 1839. The company was in business for well over a century, guided by the principle of “Best of its kind.” Dixon (Joseph) was the founder of the company; Ticonderoga was the area in New York where the graphite was mined. The brand name is still around, but the pencils are now made in China. They’ve been slimmed down and the graphite isn’t as good, but they do write upside down. I just wish the company that makes them hadn’t changed the guiding principle to “As Chintzy As We Can Make it.”